How To Be A Great Conversationalist

A conversation is difficult to define because of the ambiguity that surrounds its definition. What it typically entails is a back and forth communication between more than one person. Now, how this is done (especially in a modern era where technology plays such a large role in peoples’ daily lives) can include many means. For the purposes of this article we will focus on communication between people where all parties can hear and see each other (whether in person or virtually).

With that in mind, why do we conversate? Well the reasons are many but conversations can occur for any purpose related to business, leisure and whatever in between. A job interview is a conversation but so is a casual talk between two acquaintances. The outcome of conversations is another consideration. They can result in negative, neutral or positive outcomes and can even fall anywhere in between these three.

Every conversation has the potential to provide us value. For that reason being a good conversationalist when circumstances demand it can prove beneficial. What makes a good interaction between people is also vaguely defined but there are some strategies you can implement which will increase the chances that your conversations are favorable most of the time.

Ways to be a great conversationalist

Here are some ways you can become a great conversationalist.

1. Be good at small talk

Small talk may not seem like much but the reality is it actually plays a pivotal role in establishing and maintaining connections. Small talk is an often overlooked sub-section of the broader topic of communication. Its importance is far reaching, though, because small talk has the potential to create a good impression to build a relationship on. It really helps people get more comfortable with you especially if you’re acquaintances. Think about it, do you want to be talking to someone you just met and have them spill all their family drama on you? Well, you might want that but you shouldn’t because that’s not something that should be shared with a stranger.

Leverage small talk to help make you appear more trustworthy, to get people warmed up into conversation with you and to build initial connections before you get into more important topics. Some good go-to small-talk topics are the weather, news topics that are NOT contentious, something going on around you, foods you may like, drinks you enjoy, restaurants you may have eaten at, asking people details about their life that are not overly personal, etc. For that last one you would need to tread carefully because there is a fine line between getting to know someone and becoming invasive.

The point here is that small talk is a great start for conversations to help them work into something better. To get better at small talk you may just want to practice in low-stakes situations. Try striking up a small conversation with someone you don’t know well at work or in a class. Make small talk with a boss, teacher, or professor. Sometimes you might even be able to make small talk with family members you haven’t seen in a long time.

2. Be good at deeper conversations

Small talk holds its own importance in the conversation scene but so too does more in-depth and valuable conversation. Small talk is typically at the start of a conversation or used when you are still getting to know someone. But once someone is familiar with you and after you have established a connection then you should be able to shift the nature of your conversations with this person to something more in-depth.

You may be able to do this by building on small talk. For example, through small-talk you might find out someone likes a certain restaurant and so you get into a story about your experiences with it or with another food joint. Deep conversations are typically based off of small talk. Small talk should’ve given you an idea of what is best for discussion with the person you are conversating with.

Deep convos are not only about the things you’ve discussed during small talk but sometimes they are also more on the complex side. Deep convos can be about family, friends, the future, career goals, education, the past (which is best avoided if it is sensitive), and similar topics. It is hard to know exactly what and how deep convos will take place without knowing exactly what is acceptable in your social situation. This is where your judgment should come in and you should be able to read the room when it comes to conversation, which brings us to number 3.

3. Read the room

Whenever you are in a conversation, you should make sure you read the room. In other words, understand the nature of the conversation, the environment it is occurring in and who it is with/around. A conversation at work with a boss might look very different from a conversation at a friend’s house.

Certain topics are appropriate while others aren’t when it comes to conversation. Your judgment should be your best friend to determine exactly what falls where. When getting into small talk or deep conversation, know who you are talking to and read their reactions. If you say something and the person seems reluctant to continue talking about it or appears visibly uncomfortable, then immediately switch the topic. Also, consider who else is around you (children, elderly, co-workers, friends, relatives, etc.). You should be tailoring your conversations and your tactics based on the situation.

4. Have conversation topics ready

Whether small talk or deep discussions, having topics to bring up and keep the conversation going is tremendously useful. You should try to be ready with some go-to conversation topics. You can even cheat by having a list of things that you can bring up or talk about and referring to it before a big social event to jog your memory. Try not to look at any lists while in the conversation as that could be perceived as socially negative.

Try to build experiences as these generally make for great conversation topics. If you can talk about a time you travelled somewhere, a beautiful sight you saw, or anything of the like then there is a good chance you will be catching attention. It doesn’t need to just be travels or experiences that you talk about. You can keep up to date with topics on the news to get an idea of what’s going on out in the world and talk about that. Be careful with this, though, because you should avoid bringing up any topic that could be controversial or carry with it highly opinionated viewpoints.

Whether you talk about experiences, news, or anything else, make sure you try to keep the subjects positive and joyful. This is more likely to keep the conversation flowing smoothly and make people like you more. After all, if you talk about things people like and find interesting they are more likely to want to keep talking to you.

5. Have balanced conversations

People tend to like talking about themselves but they also tend to like listening and learning from other people who interest them. You should try to make the most of both of these human tendencies by having balanced conversations which allow you to benefit from them. A conversation should include all participants so make an effort to let the other person or persons speak an equal or at least almost equal amount.

Most people won’t have much fun in a conversation where they cannot contribute and they are just stuck listening to someone ramble on and on. At the same time, many people don’t appreciate being the ones who carry a conversation because it may make them feel as though their company is not wanted, appreciated and/or enjoyed. Speak a fair amount and listen a fair amount as well.

6. Ask open-ended questions

Questions are one of the biggest drivers of conversation because they’re a great way to formulate new topics to transition into. By incorporating questions into your discussions you give yourself the opportunity to capitalize on whatever answers you get. For this reason, your questions should be thought out in such a way that you are fishing for a new area of discussion but you don’t seem like it. The best types of questions to ask are open-ended ones that allow the other person to answer in a full sentence or sentences. Once you receive the answer you can have a better idea of where to take the conversation. You should try avoiding questions that will most likely produce yes or no answers or any type of quick one-word response.

Instead of saying, “Did you like your trip to…?” try saying “What did you do on your trip to…?” Now the first one could still lead into conversation if the person provides details, but some people may just answer the question at value and not go further. This makes it difficult to continue the conversation and get to know the other person. It also makes the overall flow of the convo somewhat awkward. Moreover, constant yes or no questions make talking feel like a boring multiple choice test that doesn’t give much opportunity to share.

It is important to remember, though, that you should avoid making your contribution to any convo strictly or mostly questions to the other person. Avoid making your conversations sound like a game of 21 questions. Yes, ask questions but also build off of answers, give respectful opinions and add something of substance.

7. Build on what others say

Whether someone is answering a question or just sharing on their own volition, what they say should be treated with importance. Firstly, what other people share is often an indication of something they care about and find value in discussing. Secondly, building on what others say is a great way to guide your conversations without having to constantly come up with topics on your own.

Take what someone else says and talk about that for a bit. Use their information to add your own related information and unique experiences so you can also make yourself appear more interesting. Remember to avoid veering off topic too much as this may make it hard to follow along with you and could present you as being unconcerned with the interests of others.

If someone does start talking about something you don’t care much for, you can use others’ ideas as a segue. For example, if you are stuck listening to someone ramble on about a boring topic, cling on to one thing and use that as a transition into a new subject. You can say something along the lines of, “That’s funny you should mention when you… That reminds me of the time when I…” This is a polite and subtle way of changing the path a conversation is taking without coming off as overly rude or dismissive of what the other person(s) is saying.

It is also important to not just listen to other people, but also comprehend and understand what they say. This is how you can more easily and deeply think about the conversation and guide it. If you are just passively listening, you may struggle to get novel convo ideas. It’s not just from a perspective of politeness but also to have more enriching conversations and learn from others, you should pay attention.

8. Watch your body language and facial expression

Non-verbal forms of communication are often as important (and sometimes even more important) than the content. Your goal with both your body language and your facial expression is to appear relaxed and engaged while also making sure the other person feels comfortable around you.

This may require a lot of practice if it does not come naturally, especially because there is a lot to be aware of and fix. Here are tips on some ways you should be presenting yourself non-verbally:

-Keep your head up.

-Relax your shoulders.

-Maintain eye contact and make sure your eyes appear relaxed (avoid looking around or staring off).

-Keep your mouth relaxed and maintain a neutral facial expression: This one is touchy because you should avoid appearing dismissive or bored so you do need some excitement on your face but make sure it is not too much if the situation does not warrant excessive happiness).

-Keep your arms and hands in a neutral position and avoid putting them in your pocket, reaching for your phone, or appearing as though you are entertaining yourself by playing around with something.

-Relax the chest and puff it out a little bit (not too much but just enough to appear confident). A relaxed chest might also help you breathe more easily and put you in a better mood overall.

This could be all you need to do but there could also be other habits you have that you should strive to be aware of and fix. Be sure to notice any flaws with your body language and work to get rid of them.

9. Be personable

Possibly one of the most important areas of focus in becoming a better conversationalist is becoming more personable. This is your key to being more well-liked overall and attracting people to want to have conversations with you. Overall, a more personable personality is more pleasant to be around. The great thing about this advice is it is very easy to be or become more personable.

Having a more personable personality is very much in your control. You can incorporate “please” and “thank you” into your vocabulary more often. Try saying phrases like “have a nice day” or “take care.” Just be nice to people in general and you may see the difference in your conversations.

A personable personality can make good situations better and bad situations good. Personable personalities are more trustworthy and trustworthiness means people will likely gravitate towards having more and longer conversations with you.

Humans generally like when people treat them with importance but also try not to go overboard here. Being respectful and being a push-over are two completely different things. Be nice, pay attention, respond with interest, wait your turn to speak but don’t be so nice that you have little to nothing to offer the conversation.

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