How To Deal With Difficult People

Whether it’s a co-worker, ‘friend’, stranger or anyone else, difficult people can be anywhere. On the more extreme end, they can make even the simplest of matters or tasks difficult. On the less extreme end, they can still be an inconvenience to deal with.

While dealing with difficult people is not ideal (dealing with people we get along with is much more tolerable), it’s sometimes necessary. We can’t always choose who we have to interact with.

For example, say you have a difficult co-worker at work (not necessarily dangerous, just difficult – dangerous is a whole other story). You may not enjoy working with them, but you’re probably in a tough spot because this is the way things are organized.

Sometimes, difficult people aren’t necessarily welcomed into our lives, they enter them. In these situations, the best course of action is learning and implementing techniques to deal with them.

Ways to deal with difficult people

When it comes to dealing with a difficult person or difficult people (cause sometimes there is more than one), your approach can be a great help.

This isn’t to say a good approach is guaranteed to calm things down and change the dynamics, just that it can help. The sad reality is with some people you can do everything perfectly and they’re still going to be difficult. This is something you should also consider. But you can still do your part to make it easier for yourself.

Here are some techniques for dealing with difficult people.

1. Consider if they are truly being difficult (sometimes it’s just how you see it, not how it is)

It sounds like a little bit of a cliché, but the reality is some people really are misunderstood. They’re not necessarily bad people or it’s not that they purposefully want to offend us, it’s just how we see it.

Now, can we know this for a fact? The only legitimate way to truly know someone’s intentions is if they tell you, and even then they could be lying.

Some people appear decent but they’re not, while others appear rude while they have kind hearts. It’s not that you need to be a mind-reader to distinguish between people – it’s just that you need to ask yourself to genuinely assess their behavior.

Are the people you consider difficult truly difficult, or do you just perceive them this way? For example, a co-worker who has a preferred way of doing things may seem difficult to someone on the outside. But maybe they prefer doing things a certain way because it helps make them more productive, it’s better for the team or some other legitimate reason.

Don’t be quick to judge. A difficult person doesn’t necessarily need to be a bad person. It’s very possible you’re using a biased view; you may only be considering yourself or how you feel.

Again, we can guess, but unless there’s a clear indicator of why someone behaves a certain way, we may never know. Still try to consider the fact that it’s not always bad intentions.

Sometimes having a simple conversation with someone can reveal a lot of good things about them.

It is important to note that this doesn’t negate the importance of having strategies to deal with the person. Someone very nice and with good intentions can still be difficult. Understanding them may help, but this doesn’t mean it becomes easy for you to get along with them.

2. Be dismissive and move on

Not every life situation or perceived provocation requires a response. Sometimes, dismissing something and moving on is a better choice. It’s the path that will often bring the most peace of mind.

Being dismissive is not just more peace of mind, it helps you conserve your own energy. Wasting your energy and mental power on someone difficult can be draining. You don’t need to give that effort.

Preserve your energy for more important things. Difficult people’s actions don’t need to have importance if you don’t give them importance.

It’s a choice you make to acknowledge and address what they do. Don’t make that choice. Make the choice to leave it. Choose yourself over their words or actions.

3. Pause and think before reacting

While not reacting is more ideal, you may find yourself in some situations where reacting is necessary. You could have no other choice, so you end up needing to respond.

If you must do so, react slowly. What reacting slowly means is you don’t respond immediately. If, for example, something is said that provokes you, you don’t have to respond right after the sentence ends. Take 2 or 3 seconds. Count down in your head.

It may seem insignificant, but these few seconds can make the difference between taking time to think of a smart response or blurting out an inappropriate statement. Those few seconds may not be much but they can help you form an intelligent response.

4. React calmly

The next important consideration is calmness. Taking time is great for not only thinking but also calming down.

In situations where you deem a reaction necessary, you need to make sure you aren’t getting angry, overreacting, or getting flustered. Becoming overly emotional and reacting with excessive emotion risks making the situation worse.

Freaking out isn’t a good look for you, either. So what you’re better off doing is making sure you react calmly to any provocation.

A calm reaction can help deescalate what would otherwise be a tense or difficult situation.

Remaining calm in the face of adversity is a skill. If this is something you struggle with, you can practice in low stakes situations. This way you can carry over what you learn and develop into more intense situations.

If you can’t keep your cool with your family (for example), how do you expect to deal with life’s serious challenges? If you struggle with basic, minor inconveniences, then you’re more likely to struggle in the face of serious adversity.

Practice staying calm in situations that are controlled. Learn to keep your cool when dealing with basic troubles so you can use that calmness in the event a major challenge comes up.

5. Be strong but polite

In your interactions with a difficult person, your approach should be strong but polite.

Being firm is a form of strength that you can leverage to navigate difficult situations. Firmness involves setting boundaries and making reasonable requests that you don’t compromise on.

It’s important to keep in mind that your requests must be reasonable. Don’t compromise on matters of safety and necessity – but if you’re just being stubborn for the sake of benefitting yourself you may end up the difficult one (and possibly even a bully).

Your strength is good for you, but make sure you mix it with some politeness. Finding the middle ground is key here; don’t be too aggressive but don’t be too nice.

Compromise when it’s the right thing to do and stand your ground politely when that’s the right thing to do.

6. Focus on you, not others

Concentrating on others, be it their actions, words, or opinions is a waste of your time. At any point in your life you can encounter someone who doesn’t like you. You can always encounter someone who speaks negatively of you or does things that may upset you.

Is this a guarantee? No, and you may be one of the ones who has it easy. But, for many, dealing with difficult people is a challenge they’ll face.

You can be decent, be forgiving and help people, but thinking about them and getting upset by their actions is an injustice you commit against yourself.

The upsetting behaviors of other people shouldn’t matter. What should matter is you – your growth and self-betterment. What should matter is your health, your finances, your career, paying your bills, and other important things.

You should be on a journey for your own benefit, and you mustn’t let anyone change your path or disrupt this journey. Focus on your success.

7. Don’t let it bother you

This may be easier said than done, but it’s important. Your internal reaction is more important than your external one. Your internal reaction (your emotional response to a perceived provocation) can affect your mental and physical feelings.

Do not, I repeat: do not, ever let anyone ruin your inner peace. Your inner peace is yours. It’s important for your health – both mental and physical.

To some it may come naturally. But to others not caring about the actions or words of others is a big ask. It’s possible you just need some practice.

Let the actions of others stay outside your mind. The only thoughts that go through your mind should be positive ones that are beneficial to you.

8. Forgive and move on

If a difficult person wrongs you or you take offense to something they say or do, one of the best and most admirable routes you can take is to simply forgive.

Forgiveness might be hard, especially if it feels like there was a huge injustice committed against you. But realistically, it is the most admirable way forward.

Not only does it leave the words or actions of the other person behind you, it’s also better for you. Forgiveness helps you attain your own peace of mind so that you can just move on with your life.

Genuine forgiveness can be a remedy to anger, hurt, pain and other negative emotions that come from bad experiences with others.

Do make sure your forgiveness is genuine, though. Fake forgiveness (telling yourself you forgave but not truly forgiving from the heart) can just cause negative emotions to resurface. It’s like sweeping things under the rug but not really addressing them.

Forgive by authentically seeing the pointlessness in holding resentment or anger. Forgive by seeing how unimportant the small things people generally worry about are.

Let yourself heal through forgiveness.

9. Find common ground

It’s possible (not guaranteed but possible) that you have something or many things in common with someone you see as difficult. You may view someone as completely different from yourself when in reality they could be very similar to you.

Finding common ground can help foster a more friendly environment. It could be the start of a new friendship. But even if it isn’t, at least it can be a way to decrease some of the tension you may have from interacting with the other person.

A small disclaimer about this tip, though; while trying to find common ground is a good idea, it’s not guaranteed to work. There may be little or no common ground, the other person may not be receptive to your attempts to find common ground, or it simply doesn’t work.

Not meshing well with everyone you meet is not a big deal. As long as you try to maintain decorum and basic decency in your interactions, it’s okay not to like someone.

With all that in mind, you can still try. Attempting is okay, just don’t force it too much. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.