How To Stop Being Clingy In Relationships

How to tell if you are clingy?

Clinginess is often pretty easy to spot. If you constantly need to communicate with your partner or love interest or if you’re constantly thinking about them, this can be a sign of clinginess. There are also more subtle clues. For example, you may rush to your phone to answer their phone call or text.

You may also constantly shower your love interest with affection or make efforts to show far more love than you should. Perhaps you always need to be around them and you are always trying to organize meet-ups.

Clinginess doesn’t always need to present in the form of clingy behaviors or thoughts, it can also be clingy feelings. If you are simply too emotionally attached to a partner you could consider yourself clingy.

What causes clinginess?

Clinginess can be caused by certain thought patterns which cause clingy behaviors. Perhaps you feel the need to be loved or you want others to appreciate you. Maybe you feel pity for others and confuse that with love. Lack of independence or self-reliance can also cause clinginess.

Self-esteem issues or being insecure; these are major causes of clinginess and can make you needy for another/others. Mental health issues like depression, obsessive personality traits and anxiety can cause clinginess.

Your past might’ve been troubled especially if you experienced a breach of trust, a traumatic relationship or neglect. These can then cause attachment issues or clinginess.  

Ways to decrease clinginess in a relationship

Being clingy not only brings with it the risk that you will push your partner away, but also that you will weigh yourself down emotionally. If you feel that you are too clingy then here are some ways to be less clingy.

1. Resolve any personal reasons that might cause clinginess

Mental health issues, insecurities, self-consciousness or lack of self-esteem can all be major causes for clinginess. Don’t expect yourself to cure these in a day but do get on the path to recovery and try to make improvements. I have no strategy that cures these overnight that I can share with you. But I can tell you that one of the best ways to overcome any of these is to research into them, understand the cognitive distortions and poor thinking patterns that cause them and begin to resolve those. You may need to speak to a mental health professional.

Lifting your spirits and feeling better about yourself if you’re down may take some time but it is doable. It is important to remember that healing yourself may not always be easy so you might require some extra help. Consider speaking to a trusted person in your life. It is also important to consider speaking to a mental health professional if you feel your situation warrants it.

2. Build self-reliance

Clinginess often comes from a poor sense of self-reliance and a lack of an ability to depend on yourself. This does not have to be dependence in terms of physical things or tasks (although it can include them), but also poor emotional self-reliance. The latter can appear in the form of an inability to make yourself feel emotionally complete or secure.

Building this ability could help you tremendously when it comes to decreasing clinginess. Try to find ways to do things yourself if you rely on your partner too much. Of course, this is within reason; i.e. if your partner is a plumber and you’re not don’t try to fix a sink all on your own. I’m just referring to becoming independent when it comes to basic tasks that you can learn and do for yourself.

Get a solid job and make an income for yourself so you don’t depend on the financial stability of a partner. And, for your emotional well-being, get used to talking yourself up and doing things to make you feel good about who you are. You should not need the compliments or affection of another person to feel emotionally secure.

3. Practice distancing yourself a little

Look, you do not have to cut the relationship off, but keep a little distance. What you can do here depends on you. The distance you establish while still keeping the relationship healthy is decided by your own situation, which you should assess.

Reaching out to them less, avoiding their social media, etc. – these are ways to create distance. You should also be distancing your mind. Less thinking about your partner and more thinking about yourself or something useful to you (like a new skill). This doesn’t have to be a complete separation nor should you stop thinking about your significant other completely. If you intend to keep the relationship going, a moderate amount of distance is sufficient.

4. Learn to find joy in other things (keep busy)

It’s important to find sources of happiness in your own life that are not your partner. This is especially true if your ability to experience joy is dependent on them. By finding other ways to keep yourself entertained and busy, you decrease your chances of being clingy. Keeping yourself preoccupied could help you get your mind off of your partner.

Finding happiness need not be overcomplicated. Something as simple as a trip somewhere nearby that you find fun or doing something at home can work. Clean the house, watch a movie, play a video game. Little things can be surprisingly effective at making us feel good.

5. Appreciate yourself

Clinginess often arises out of a lack of self-esteem and appreciation for oneself. Appreciating yourself is the obvious way to counter this. Learn to engage in positive self-talk. Try having a phrase that you repeat to yourself to remain confident. “I am worthy,” I am capable,” etc.

Always be easy on yourself. If you make a mistake, for example, don’t get into extreme blaming. Be delicate with your own approach towards you. Envision yourself as your own gentle friend who is always supportive. Talk to yourself accordingly.