How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

What does it mean to be a people-pleaser?

If someone is a people pleaser, it means they are constantly making efforts to please others –sometimes at the expense of themselves or their own best interests. Someone who is a consistent people pleaser may put the wants of others ahead of their own and might go through great lengths in order to get their approval or satisfy them. If you are a people pleaser, you might act against your own wishes or best judgment.

While it is admirable to seek the best for others, it also should not come at your own expense. It is nice to do favors for people (especially when they really need you) but you should consider your own interests first. There is a blurry line that separates being decent and being a pushover. Decreasing people-pleasing tendencies will help you avoid crossing that line.

Ways to stop being a people pleaser

If you feel you are a people pleaser then consider these tips.

1. Be aware when you give too much effort 

The best first step here is awareness. If you see yourself doing too much for someone just to make them happy or gain their approval then alarm bells should go off. Try to keep it in the back of your head so you remember to watch out for it and can pinpoint when it happens. If you are tiring yourself, taking too much of your own time, or compromising your happiness then you are giving too much effort. Be attentive to these when they occur and make sure you’re consciously aware of what you’re doing.

2. Set and follow boundaries

Once you know what too much effort means to you and when you are expending this effort, it is time to set and follow boundaries accordingly. Don’t be tempted to hold back just because you don’t want to refuse requests or lose friends. Of course you should avoid being completely self-concerned to the point where you do nothing for no one other than yourself. Do remember you may need a favor yourself one day. What setting your boundaries means is knowing what you will not tolerate and when it becomes unfair to you. You can ask yourself what you’d expect from someone and use that as a guide. If asking for 3 big favors in a week seems like too much for you to ask of someone else then others should seldom be allowed to ask that of you.

It’s also important to adhere to these limits. Setting them should not be for entertainment purposes. Understand when to absolutely refuse, when to share how you feel, and when you should reconsider a friendship.

3. Plan when and how to prioritize yourself

If you are used to people pleasing, you may find it difficult to not do that. You might not have much experience with refusing requests, saying no, or doing what’s best for you. In order to make your transition from people-pleaser to not people-pleaser (titles don’t matter) make plans.

Plan situations where you might need to prioritize yourself. If you’ve noticed a recurring situation or situations where you are people-pleasing more often, use those as examples to brainstorm other ways things to handle things. Plan ways in which you will prioritize yourself. How might you refuse a favor (for example)? What words would you use so as to not come off as rude but still be able to prioritize yourself? By planning these out you are more likely to approach these situations correctly if they arise. Moreover, the practice might better prepare you for more unfamiliar situations.

4. Focus on what’s best for you

People pleasers might fall victim to viewing others’ needs as more important than their own. Even if they don’t, a lot of times people pleasing tendencies actually come from an inability to value yourself sufficiently enough. Again, it is okay to do things for people but make sure you put yourself before others. Say “yes” to yourself more often, even if it means saying “no” to others.

Sure, someone’s well-being is more important than your leisure time. If someone is asking you for an important favor that could help them in a tough time then you may want to sacrifice a bit. But if you were invited to a party you simply do not want to go to and you would prefer to stay home and rest, then do so. Make yourself happy!

5. Decrease emotionality

Rejecting others may not feel good. That makes sense. You might feel bad if you don’t give people what you think they want. Still, don’t let every situation make you feel bad and accept that sometimes you have to do what’s best for you. What can help here is getting used to not doing what others want of you occasionally. Try getting used to not always being a people pleaser and this might actually tame the emotional impact it has on you.

6. Realize your value

You have your own worth even if people don’t approve of the things you do. Don’t attach your value to what you do for others but instead remind yourself that you will have value no matter what they think. Most people should respect your boundaries but if they don’t and you feel like they view you differently then that is their choice. Your worth remains the same and you are more important than a few favors or a self-forced “yes” here and there. Try taking a few minutes every day to focus on the things you have going for you and what you are grateful for.

7. Practice saying how you feel (within limits)

You should be able to express how you feel in a polite yet firm manner to assure you are able to verbally communicate your limits. Practicing this by pre-planning is a good idea as well. Learn softer ways to say “no,” for example. Remember, though, you should be polite but also firm because if you lack firmness in your speech you risk leaving open a possibility that you will end up just giving in to what people want. Be respectful but be confident as well.