How To Stop Being A Control Freak

It is natural to want to be in control. Humans tend to avoid uncertainty and control increases the chances that we won’t have to deal with the unknown. Uncertainty might feel unsafe or concerning for some people. It can also make anxiety and depression worse for others who suffer from them. The idea of control is (for most) a satisfying one.

Control can be a way out of uncertainty or a way to control its potential impacts. It could also increase the chance that you will have a say over the path an event in your life takes, thereby increasing the likelihood that you will ultimately reach an objective or gain something favorable. To some degree desiring control is not only normal, it is a good idea. We shouldn’t always be passive observers of the world around us but we should balance this with an ability to forgo control whenever circumstances require.

On one side of the spectrum is being completely passive or dismissive about what goes on in your life, while on the other end there is being a total control freak who cannot handle not having power over the most minute situations. Both can be maladaptive or even unhealthy if they take their toll on you. This is why containing your desire for control is important for peace of mind.

Ways to stop being a control freak

Here are some ways you can keep your desire for control in check and get out of a “control freak” state.

1. Acceptance

Often, a desire for control comes from difficulty coping with the things that happen to you or your circumstances. This has the potential to turn even the most patient people into control freaks. One of the best ways to combat this is to turn to acceptance. Accept your surroundings, accept the past, the present, and the future. If something doesn’t go your way, take a few minutes to allow yourself to cope with any reaction you may have and reach that state of acceptance. Once you accept that some things are the way they are no matter how much you dislike it, then you are more likely to become capable of forgoing control.

2. Grow your tolerance to being out of control

If someone is used to having a lot of (or at least used to seeking) control then they may have a low tolerance to something being outside of their control. Some people might even just have a low tolerance when it comes to being out of control with seemingly no cause. Regardless, this lack of tolerance can be fixed by training the mind. Put yourself in safe situations where you are not in control but you’d still like to be. Then try being passive and using your will-power to avoid involving yourself in the situation at all. Now, this doesn’t mean watching chaos go on and doing nothing about it, but as long as the situation is otherwise safe then you should stay out. The goal here is to train your self-control and self-regulation to be able to apply them to other situations as well.

3. Become a passive observer

No offense but not everything needs your guidance. Once in a while you can just sit back and observe what is happening without trying to control anything. Sometimes you can try just letting things happen. Don’t do this if you see something that requires your involvement for a safety reason or if something is related to someone’s health or well-being. But you should be a passive observer in low stakes situations and make efforts to let things happen once in a while. Learn to do this as best as you can and you might just find that sometimes enjoying the show is better than actually being the star of it.

4. Remember that sometimes things are just not in your control

No matter how strong and capable a human is they will never be able to control every single event, situation or outcome. Even if you are the world’s best planner, there is always a risk that something will come up and be out of your ability to deal with. Accept that some things are not in your control and they may never be. Also, constantly keep this in the back of your head, remember it so you don’t fall victim to a fallacy that all things can be handled. Detach yourself from situations you see as being far too challenging for you and detach yourself from outcomes. Success or failure can be determined by how you maneuver daily life, but they are also sometimes not your choice and that’s okay, too.

5. Change your mentality

If you’re a control freak, it probably stems from your mentality. This can be shaped by your past, your personal views, the way you were raised or any other factors. This tip requires a little bit of self-reflection, but one way to stop being a control freak is to get to the bottom of why you are one in the first place and resolving that.

In short, ask yourself if you are controlling for a reason. Is there some deeper insecurity or thought process at play here? You may need cognitive behavioral therapy or some other form of therapy with a professional in order to work towards changing the way you think. As another possible cause, if you suffer from mental illness (trauma, anxiety, depression, etc.) you could try resolving that by getting counselling. Resolving mental illness is often useful for overcoming a controlling phase in your life.