How To Know If You Are Too Hard On Yourself

Having expectations for yourself is normal. You should be setting your sights on reasonable objectives in life and finding ways to achieve those. This will allow you to give your life meaning and as long as you are able to graciously accept defeat in the event it arises then you are perfectly fine. Of course, these expectations and goals can be small or large, but they should give you purpose regardless.

Be your greatest hype-person. Be quick to motivate yourself, encourage yourself to keep moving in the event you face a challenge or challenges and help yourself get back up if you fail. On the opposite end, if you don’t do any of those and you find that you constantly put yourself down then you may be too hard on yourself.

Being hard on yourself can be anything from a minor inconvenience to a seriously maladaptive burden. The thoughts in your head, how you treat yourself and several other factors should tell you if you are being too hard on yourself. Sometimes you just feel your harshness with yourself but it could go unnoticed. For this reason, it is important to know the signs that you are being too hard on yourself. Here are some indications that you could be too harsh on yourself. If you notice any of these or other concerning signs this should be your alarm to take action.

How to tell if you’re hard on yourself

1. You constantly resist emotions

Having emotions is completely normal and you should feel them from time to time. They should be under control and regulated but not non-existent. If you are too hard on yourself you might despise emotions and you could be constantly trying to find ways to resist them. This is not a good idea, A) because you could be making them stronger by resisting them and B) because you are trying to ward off something that is natural. Being strong doesn’t have to mean being devoid of emotion, it can also mean having emotional regulation –tamed emotions. Don’t challenge emotions and don’t be frustrated with yourself if you feel them.

2. You hate being weak

Much like emotions, times of weakness are common and (for most people) unavoidable. Going through days when you just don’t want to do anything is okay. Feeling physically or mentally weak once in a while are an expected part of the process of growing as a person. But if you are too hard on yourself then you could very well be viewing times of weakness or any sign of weakness with great displeasure. Stop that! Learn to embrace weakness and use it as a chance to build strength. Some weaknesses can be identified and resolved while others just need to be taken as is. If you have weaknesses you should know that it is normal and there is no need to be excessively harsh on yourself for it.

3. You constantly hold yourself to a high standard (sometimes higher than the one you hold others to)

The standards you hold yourself to are important because they determine what success means to you. Setting expectations and finding ways to achieve them is fine but if you set unreasonable ones then you are most likely setting yourself up for failure. Knowing what a reasonable expectation is really depends on what you feel you can do. At the same time, unreasonable expectations are usually easy to spot and eliminate.

Remember not to take the expectations others set on themselves as comparable to yours. Someone with depression should manage their expectations as they make efforts to recover. To this person, brushing their teeth in the morning is an accomplishment they should be proud of. What defines a reasonable expectation varies by person. Ignore the expectations and accomplishments of others and avoid using them as an example when setting your own.

4. You struggle to accept failure (you may even think your life should not have any)

Some of the most successful people in the world have dealt with failure but you might loath the possibility of it. You could fall victim to a distortive thinking pattern wherein you (incorrectly) believe that your life should be without any failures. If you feel that there is a constant resentment or apprehension in your mind towards failure, you are being hard on yourself. This can manifest itself as excessive anger or sadness when experiencing failure, and fear at the thought of it. If you feel that failure causes you a significant amount of emotional discomfort then you are being harsh on yourself. That should be a sign that you should find ways to reframe failure and more easily accept it. Try using failure as a learning experience rather than a source of pain.

5. You disconnect because of exhaustion

People who are hard on themselves tend to also live a demanding lifestyle because they obligate themselves to. Doing this drastically increases the chances that you will overexert yourself and ultimately feel burnout. Burnout can often lead to insufficient energy for other things that are also important (which may end up taking second place). Quality family time, self-care, exercise, relaxation and other enjoyable activities may be sacrificed due to exhaustion. When the things you like to do feel like chores or if you no longer have the time to do them because you are busy with other things then it is very likely you are too hard on yourself.

The solution to this is avoiding burnout by setting limits on the things you do and making sure you schedule in time for yourself. Separate work and life as best as you can. Also, make sure you manage your responsibilities so as to avoid them becoming overwhelming. You may, for example, need to take kids to school and prepare lunches –and there may not be a choice here. The idea is to manage responsibilities and handle them calmly as best you can if you aren’t easily able to avoid them.

6. You magnify the small stuff

Some things in life are important and others are not. Being able to distinguish one from the other is of great importance for avoiding the use of mental energy on minute and silly things. If you are hard on yourself, the little things in your life that are really irrelevant in the grand scheme of existence may start to seem too important. If you magnify the small things it is likely because they matter to you more than they should due to how hard you are on yourself. For this reason, if you find that the most irrelevant of things take up too much of your time and mental energy, it is time to remind yourself that they don’t matter and get yourself focused on the things that do. Remember, if we waste time on the small things then we may not have enough time for the major ones.