How To Get Over A Grudge

If you are holding a grudge you may notice that the grudge does little in the way of benefiting you. You may be convinced that you were wronged and therefore you want to correct that. But in reality you are wronging yourself by continuing to hold on to the things that others have done to you.

Eventually a grudge may start to compromise your inner peace and mental health. This can spiral into an out of control emotional state.

Post Traumatic Embitterment Disorder (PTED) is a mental health condition characterized by extreme resentfulness to a past injustice. It is comparable to PTSD and is often a more extreme outcome of an extreme grudge.

This can stop, though. Grudges are simply thoughts and emotional reactions which make us a feel a certain way because of a certain event. Some people are less likely to hold grudges while others are more susceptible to them. If you feel that you are suffering because of a grudge then you should know there are things you can do to overcome this. If you are being burdened by a grudge, here are some ways to let go of a grudge you are holding on to:

1. Forgive

Probably the best one on this list. Forgiveness is more far-reaching than many other solutions to resentment because it fixes the problem at its core. Forgiving those who may have wronged you is a way you can truly overcome grudges because you no longer care what the person did. You may not like it, you don’t even have to see the good in it, but you let it go. You choose to let the other person’s actions leave your mind and let yourself live without the burden of carrying them.

Granted, it may be difficult if you feel you have been significantly wronged. This is especially true if you feel physically unsafe due to the event But ultimately you should find it within you to genuinely forgive. What this means can be different depending on you. Some people forgive easily while others need to use a lot of will in order to truly overcome anger from an injustice. Either way, better late than never and the sooner you start to forgive the more likely you will be able to do so.

Try viewing things from the other side. If you still feel that they are wrong try to come to terms with the fact that they only know as much as they know and they acted with that knowledge. If whoever wronged you did what they wanted to do that was on them and maybe they made a poor judgment call. It’s other peoples’ choice how they act but it is your choice how you cope with it.

2. Accept

Acceptance of injustice can be a part of forgiveness but it also can be its own category. Acceptance doesn’t mean you loved what happened to you nor that you are happy with it. What it does mean is coming to terms with the fact that it happened. It went the way it did and there is no need to resist. Accept the emotions that come with the event, as well. You feel the way you do and resisting it is not necessary. Let feelings run their course and you just live your life while they do.

3. Control your sense of self-importance

It’s something many people fall victim to, an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Some of us feel and think that we are entitled to certain luxuries. Some of us may think that we are entitled to fair or even preferential treatment. The reality is no human on this earth is entitled to better or even fair treatment. While it is too much of a philosophical debate to get into, what defines fairness is very subjective but fairness is also not something the world owes you. Get out of the habit of convincing yourself that you deserve things or that the world is yours to play with. It isn’t just you who this applies to, it applies to every human being. We are equal and should find ways to be happy regardless of how the world or others within it treat us.

Either way, your self-respect is not at all defined by what others do to begin with. Even if they don’t treat you fairly, what does it matter? Ask yourself why you care and you might not even come up with an answer. If you do come up with one, it may not even be that big of a deal. Leave your pride out of this and move on.

4. Understand your resentment

One of the best ways to solve a problem is to understand its components. You should understand the source of your resentment, understand the emotions that it causes, why it causes them, why you feel emotions to begin with, and so on. Write all of this out to help you make more sense of it.

X happened to you? It makes you feel y and z because of reasons A, B and C? Challenge these emotions by doing 1, 2, 3. Write out all these down. Write how you feel and how you will resolve your feelings. Keep whatever you write it on handy so you can refer back to it to remind yourself of your strategy for handling your grudge if you need a refresh. Ask yourself questions about how you feel and write out the answers. Write down why it matters and write down how you can stop caring about the reason it matters. The goal is to write thoughts out and challenge them.

5. Let time heal you

Let time help you come to terms with what has happened. Sometimes living with the feeling of resentment but not acting on it may be beneficial. Ignore it and time is likely to heal you from this grudge. Time heals some of life’s biggest and most hurtful wounds. It just needs to run its course and you should allow it to do so. Do try to speed up the healing process but do so with the knowledge that the passage of time is also a key player.

6. Take it out in a healthy and controlled environment 

When you are holding a grudge it is better to find a way to let out all that extra energy rather than storing up emotions. You should be careful about what you do as a way to release, though. You should not be doing this with the person(s) who wronged you nor should you do it with someone else who you take out your energy on. You should do this by yourself in a safe environment. Take it out in healthy and cautious way; scream in a pillow, use a punching bag, etc.

7. Find enjoyment

If you are ever presented with a mental health challenge that you are struggling to overcome one of the best techniques to use is to find happiness despite it. This should be done while you take action to heal. I.e. do not conceal your personal issues with joy without actually implementing other strategies (on this list and outside of it) to help you recover. Finding the joy in little things and looking for happiness can help you overlook your grudge while you focus on something more positive. Try watching a movie that makes you laugh, spending time with family/friends or taking a walk when the weather is nice. As you experience something fun you may actually notice yourself forgetting about the things that bother you.